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  • Writer's pictureJohn Dodd

What would I do with ten minutes at Prime Ministers Questions...?

Updated: Jan 14, 2022

It’s unlikely anyone has missed the mood of the United Kingdom following yesterdays Prime Ministers Questions, and even less likely that anyone watching that was left in any doubt as to the nature and extent of the hole to which the Prime Minister has been digging for himself.

On the surface of it, there’s no possibility that any serving minister should walk away from something like this, particularly when other MP’s and public servants have been forced to fall upon their swords for less flagrant disregard than what has been committed here.

Which begs the question, what’s really going on here?

There’s no mistaking that the Prime Minister (I refuse to call him Boris, or Bojo, or Johnson, because all those things were invented by the PR machine to make him sound more relatable, just another one of the lads, just another worker like you and me) was at that party, there’s photographic evidence of it, and while we all know that photos can be tampered with (wait for that one to surface at some point), on the face of it, there’s no doubts that he was there.

So why were there denials?

Every question yesterday was rebuffed with “I feel that the right honourable (insert name) should wait for the official findings of the report”. Every call for the Prime Ministers resignation was met with “I feel that the right honourable (insert name) should wait for the official findings of the report”. There are MP’s at the moment saying that they don’t know if they were at the party till they get told by Sue Gray whether or not they were.

If I wrote this in a work of fiction, I’d be told that space dragons would be more believable.

So why is it rolling on? Why aren’t the conservatives standing up and saying, “Yes, he did those things, he needs to go?”

It’s quite simple really.

If you can get the Prime Minister removed from office, then there’s no limit to what you can remove. All those standing behind him going “Erm, I don’t know if I was there, please wait for Sue Grays report” are all sitting there hoping that the Prime Minister gets removed, and that will temper the need for bloodletting by a betrayed public. But they’re forgetting something.

When there’s blood in the water, usually spilled by predators, it attracts other predators, and they become more bold, because it’s evident that there’s prey to be had in the area. The first big fish gets taken, and the predators flock in, and soon the whole pack gets torn to pieces. It’s possible some of the predators (Looking at Dominic Cummings here) might get caught in the feeding frenzy, but I doubt it. The problem here is that the pack is now dispersing, which is a reasonable tactic when faced with overwhelming odds, but perhaps they don’t realise the scale of the danger coming for them.

Imagine, for a second, that everyone at that party was caught and found guilty of breaching the ministerial code. Shouldn’t be too hard to prove, page one states clearly.

The precious principles of public life enshrined in this document – integrity, objectivity, accountability, transparency, honesty, and leadership in the public interest – must be honoured at all times.

Except they could argue that lying to us all is in the public interest. Personally, I’d like to take Kier Starmers place for ten minutes at Prime Ministers Questions.

Dodd: A year ago, you ordered a lockdown and ordered everyone to comply.

Prime Minister: That’s right

Dodd: And the public was clear on what you wanted?

Prime Minister: Crystal

Dodd: Any chance anyone ignored the order?

Prime Minister: Ignored the order?

Dodd: Any chance they forgot about it?

Prime Minister: No, we reminded everyone daily

Dodd: Any chance they heard about it and said “The Prime Minister is wrong.”

Prime Minister: No, We had penalties in place for all those who broke the rules.

Dodd: When you spoke to the public on a daily basis and confirmed the rules again and again, any chance any of them misunderstood.

Prime Minister: You ever been a member of the public, Son?

Dodd: Yes

Prime Minister: Ever lost a loved one to Covid

Dodd: Yes

Prime Minister: Ever had to follow rules made up by the ruling party, no matter how bad they were for you?

Dodd: Yes

Prime Minister: We follow orders, Son, we follow orders or people die, it’s that simple. Are we clear?

Dodd: Yes

Prime Minister: ARE WE CLEAR?

Dodd: Crystal. Prime Minister I have just one more question before we let you get back to your work meetings, If you gave an order that everyone was to be locked down, and your orders are always clear, then why was there a party at Downing Street?

Prime Minister: Work Gatherings aren’t parties.

Dodd: But the Lockdown said that everyone wasn’t to meet more than one person they didn’t live with outside.

Prime Minister: Erm, Everyone, Erm, Er.

Dodd: Did they all live together?

Prime Minister: Well, Erm, every member of Parliament, Erm, Band of Brothers, Erm, *mumble*.

Dodd: The lockdown should have applied to them? You said the instructions were clear.

Prime Minister: Well, that, Ergo Sum, Vis a Vis, Lorem Ipso.

Dodd: You said the lockdown applied to everyone, I can have the house secretary read you it back.

Prime Minister: I don’t recall what I said.

Dodd: It was two minutes ago.

Prime Minister: I don’t recall saying that.

Dodd: Is that why you broke Lockdown? Because you didn’t recall? Prime Minister?

Prime Minister: Sometimes people misunderstand the rules

Dodd: No Prime Minister, you made it very clear a few minutes ago that the public always understands the rules, we follow orders or people die. So there should have been no misunderstanding, should there?

Prime Minister: We handed out many punishments for those breaking the rules.

Dodd: And yet none for your breach.

Prime Minister: You snotty little b******

Dominic Raab: I’d like to ask for a proroguing of parliament

Dodd: I’d like an answer to the question, Mr Speaker.

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: Parliament will wait for an answer.

Dodd: If the Lockdown rules were clear, then no gatherings at all were allowed. Martin Reynolds invited everyone to the party because that’s what you told him to do, and when it went bad, you cut Allegra Stratton loose, you had everyone deny the existence of the party, you had everyone empty their phone logs, you Erm’d and Err’d your way through all the questions. Prime Minister, did you order the Summer Party.

Sue Gray: You don’t have to answer that question.

Prime Minister: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

Dodd: I think we’re entitled to them.

Prime Minister: You want answers.


Prime Minister: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. Peasant, we live in a world with privilege and that privilege is always hoarded by people like me. Who’s going to argue, you? You, British Public? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom, I have to look like a buffoon every day so that you don’t ask the bigger questions of who’s really running things and why you’re getting poorer. Do you know what it’s like to have your hair cut by a hedge trimmer every morning? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you can't go to, you want us in power, you need us in power. You use words like Sleaze, Corruption and Cronyism, you use these words as accusations for all the things we’ve done in clear view, we use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the mental capacity to explain myself to a peasant who thinks to rise above his station, and then questions the manner in which I look down on him. I would rather you doff your cap and get back to working the chimneys, otherwise you can challenge me in the courts where the immense wealth I was born to will easily out money the seven jobs you work. Either way, I don’t give a damn that you’re entitled to nothing.

Dodd: Did you order the summer gathering?

Prime Minister: You’ll have to wait for Sue Gray’s Rep…



Dodd: I suggest we move to an immediate impeachment vote.

Prime Minister: There’s no precedent for that.

Dodd: And yet any member of the house of commons can call for it under a law that’s still valid, if not observed much.

House of Commons: What Luck, we can shift all the blame to the Prime Minister, we accuse the Prime Minister of High Treason, with all the evidence the press have gathered for us.

Prime Minister: O Stercore

House of Commons: We all vote to impeach the Prime Minister, motion carried, take him away.

Prime Minister: I’ll, Er, Erm, eway illway ebay ackbay

Silence as the Prime Minister is led away.

House of Commons: Glad that’s over with, let’s get on with ruling the country

Dodd: Actually, there’s a few more people I want to talk to…

And that’s why you wouldn’t get anyone backing up the charge…

Of course, I’m under no illusions that the Prime Minister is in fact the useful foil of whoever actually has the power, I suspect Rees Mogg, but the chance of a peasant getting a straight answer from would be masters of the universe isn’t high. Maybe it will be one day, but if the working class (if there’s one thing wrong with England in its entirety, it’s that class still holds sway) were to rise up and argue with their “Betters”, you have to wonder where it would stop.

Perhaps there is a person of common origins who might take that job on, but in these days, where money is king and no one else can get air time, how would they take that fight to a corrupt regime, and how would they avoid the state removing them before they became an obstacle.

Those with more political acumen than me? Always interested in options, get in touch.

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